LIVING (1980-1982) JENNY HOLZER IT IS UNFAIR TO TEAR SOMEBODY APART WHEN HER HEALTH AND EXUBERANCE THREATEN YOU. THE HEART CAN STOP WHEN YOU HEAR SOMETHING NOT MEANT FOR YOUR EARS. THE CONSOLATION IS THAT THIS MIGHT BE THE TRUTH. YOU WONDER IF THE PAIN IN THE SIDE YOU GET FROM MILD EXERTION WOULD GO AWAY IF YOU WERE BEING CHASED BY SOMEONE WITH A BROKEN BOTTLE. YOU'RE HOME FREE AS SOON AS NO ONE KNOWS WHERE TO FIND YOU. MANY INDIVIDUALS PRACTICE SELF-LIMITATION. THEY ATTEMPT LITTLE OF WHAT THEY COULD REALIZE INTELLECTUALLY OR PRACTICALLY. WHETHER THIS IS A RESULT OF OPPRESSION OR A NATURAL PHENOMENON IS UNCLEAR. SOMETIMES THE MOST DECADENT FIND PLEASURE IN GIVING AWAY THEIR PRIVILEGES AND EVEN THEIR LIVES SO A BALANCE IS STRUCK. YOU HAVE A SICK ONE ON YOUR HANDS WHEN YOUR AFFECTION IS USED TO PUNISH YOU. HOW CONCISE THAT YOU CAN CRY FROM AWFUL WOUNDS, DESERTION, HAPPINESS, MEMORIES, HUMILIATION, DISAPPOINTMENT OR GRANDEUR. LARGE FORTUNES CAN BE MADE ON SMALL ITEMS. ENOUGH CANDY CAN BE PARLAYED INTO HOUSES, FAT ANIMALS AND LANDSCAPING. PETS CAN BE CHOSEN BY THEIR ABILITY TO EXPRESS GREAT EXCITEMENT, AFFECTION AND GRATITUDE. REPTILES DON'T SHOW MUCH BUT ARE VALUED AS EXOTICA. A SINGLE RELATIONSHIP CAN POISON EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY, WAKING OR SLEEPING. WHEN THIS DRAGS ON, YOU HAVE TO QUESTION THE SANITY OR THE CRIMINALITY OF THOSE INVOLVED. YOUR SELF CAN SEEM TO BE IN ONE PART OF YOUR BODY, BEHIND THE RIGHT EYE RATHER THAN THE LEFT. IT'S BETTER NOT TO SUPPORT THIS SPLIT BETWEEN ONE AND THE OTHER THAT MAKES CIVIL WAR POSSIBLE. A FAMILIAR HILLSIDE LOOKS TENDER IN THE WINTER WHEN THERE ARE BARE TREES STICKING UP. THE SAME GOES FOR BODIES WITH STUBBLE WHEN YOU'RE SENTIMENTAL ABOUT A SHAVED PERSON. FEW CAN IGNORE A BABY'S CRIES, EVEN IF THE RESPONSE IS IRRITATION. THIS IS ONE OF THE BUILT IN SAFEGUARDS THAT IS SUPPOSED TO GUARANTEE THE SURVIVAL OF THE RACE. THE IMPULSE IS TO SQUEEZE AND FONDLE BABY WILD ANIMALS BUT THEN THEY'D BE BROKEN AND WHAT GOOD WOULD THEY BE? IF THE HOUSE IS BITTER COLD, ALL THE FLUIDS THEREIN, IF NOT FROZEN, ARE STIFF AND SLOW. IT'S WISE TO BE ON GUARD IF YOU'RE ALWAYS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO ARE COMPELLED TO BE NICE TO YOU. YOU'RE BETTER OFF ANONYMOUS AND PART OF THE GROUP. I SAW THEIR STUNNING BODIES GO SLACK AND GET HAIR IN THE WRONG PLACES AND I VOWED I WOULD NOT PERMIT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME. HOW GOOD TO SUPPLY THE NECESSARY COMFORTS, NUTRIENTS AND LESSONS SO THAT THE OPTIMAL NUMBER OF YOUNG THINGS GROW TO MATURITY AND ENJOY IT. WITH TIME, MANUFACTURED ITEMS LOSE THEIR IDENTITY AND LOOK MORE LIKE THEIR INGREDIENTS. BRICKS START TO RESEMBLE PILES OF CLAY. THIS IS DISCOURAGING WHEN YOU THINK OF THE EFFORT NEEDED FOR RESTORATION AND ALL RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY THAT THINGS GO AWAY. UP TO A CERTAIN AGE, MANY PEOPLE TAKE PLEASURE IN MARKING AND SCARRING THEMSELVES. THEN COMES A TIME WHEN THE SAME INDIVIDUALS START TO CONSERVE THEIR STRENGTH AND BEAUTY. IT'S NICE WHEN YOU DECIDE TO LIKE SOMEONE AND, WITHOUT DECLARING YOURSELF, DO WHAT'S POSSIBLE TO FURTHER HIS HAPPINESS. THIS CAN TAKE THE FORM OF GIFTS, LOVELY FOOD, PUBLICITY, OR ADVANCED WARNING. WHEN YOU'RE TRYING SOMETHING NEW, YOU'RE TORN BETWEEN ANTICIPATING A DELIGHTFUL SUPRISE AND THINKING YOU'RE A FOOL TO IGNORE WHAT YOU KNOW YOU LIKE. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO WATCH SOMETHING GRUESOME OCCUR. YOU DON'T HAVE THE OPTION OF CLOSING YOUR EYES BECAUSE IT HAPPENS FAST AND ENTERS YOUR MEMORY. HAVING TWO OR THREE PEOPLE IN LOVE WITH YOU IS LIKE MONEY IN THE BANK. THE SMALLEST THING CAN MAKE SOMEBODY SEXUALLY UNAPPEALING. A MISPLACED MOLE OR A PARTICULAR HAIR PATTERN CAN DO IT. THERE'S NO REASON FOR THIS, BUT IT'S JUST AS WELL YOU CAN WATCH PEOPLE ALIGN THEMSELVES WHEN TROUBLE IS IN THE AIR. SOME PREFER TO BE CLOSE TO THOSE AT THE TOP AND OTHERS WANT TO BE NEAR THOSE NEAR THE BOTTOM. IT'S A QUESTION OF WHO FRIGHTENS THEM MORE AND WHOM THEY WANT TO BE LIKE. IT'S NO FUN WATCHING PEOPLE WOUND THEMSELVES SO THAT THEY CAN HOLE UP, NURSE THEMSELFS BACK TO HEALTH, AND REPEAT THE CYCLE. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. OBVIOSLY YOU STRIKE OUT AGAINST PEOPLE WITHIN RANGE. IT'S CATHARTIC TO AFFECT SOMEONE WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY. ALTERNATIVELY, CHOOSE ENEMIES IMPOSSIBLY FAR AWAY SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO FIGHT. HANDS-ON SOCIALIZATION PROMOTES HAPPY INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS. THE DESIRE FOR AND THE DEPENDENCE UPON FONDLING ENSURE REPEATED ATTEMPTS TO OBTAIN CARESSES AND THE WILLINGNESS TO RECIPROCATE. THE MOUTH IS INTERESTING BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF THOSE PLACES WHERE THE DRY OUTSIDE MOVES TOWARD THE SLIPPERY INSIDE. THE RICH KNIFING VICTIM CAN FLIP AND FEEL LIKE THE AGGRESSOR IF HE THINKS ABOUT PRIVILEGE. HE ALSO CAN FIND THE CUT SYMBOLIC OR PROPHETIC. HOW DO YOU RESIGN YOURSELF TO SOMETHING THAT WILL NEVER BE? YOU STOP WANTING THAT THING, YOU GO NUMB, OR YOU KILL THE AGENT OF DESIRE. I SAW THEM STRIP A MAN SO THAT IN A MATTER OF SECONDS HE LAY CURLED AND NAKED ON THE SIDEWALK. IF YOUR CLOTHS CATCH FIRE, DROP DOWN IMMEDIATELY, ROLL UP IN A BLANKET, COAT, OR RUG TO SMOTHER THE FLAMES, REMOVE ALL SMOLDERING CLOTHING, AND CALL A DOCTOR OR AMBULANCE. YOU HAVE TO MAKE THOUSANDS OF PRECISE AND RAPID MOVEMENTS TO PREPARE A MEAL. CHOPPING, STIRRING, AND TURNING PREDOMINATE. AFTERWARDS, YOU STACK AND MAKE CIRCULAR CLEANING AND RINSING MOTIONS. SOME PEOPLE NEVER COOK BECAUSE THEY DONT LIKE IT, SOME NEVER COOK BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING TO EAT. FOR SOME, COOKING IS A ROUTINE, FOR OTHERS, AN ART. IF YOU'RE SMART, YOU WATCH FOR CHANGES IN COLOR. THIS CAN APPLY TO SEEING THAT FRUIT IS RIPE OR NOTICING THE FLUSH THAT GOES WITH FEVER, DRUNKENNESS, OR FURY. WHEN YOU'RE ON THE VERGE OF DETERMINING THAT YOU DON'T LIKE SOMEONE, IT'S AWFUL WHEN HE SMILES AND HIS TEETH LOOK ABSOLUTELY EVEN AND FALSE. IT CAN BE STARTLING TO SEE SOMEONE'S BREATH, LET ALONE THE BREATHING OF A CROWD. YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE EXTEND THAT FAR IT IS HARD TO KNOW WHAT SOMEONE WANTS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY FEEL HIS NEEDS. YOU DEVELOP WAYS TO READ OR ANTICIPATE DEMANDS OR YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE ASSAULTED AND THEN HIS REQUIREMENTS BECOME TANGIBLE. YOU REALIZE THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS SHEDDING PARTS OF THE BODY AND LEAVING MOMENTOS EVERYWHERE. AFFLUENT COLLEGE-BOUND STUDENTS FACE THE REAL PROSPECT OF DOWNWARD MOBILITY. FEELINGS OF ENTITLEMENT CLASH WITH THE AWARENESS OF IMMINENT SCARCITY. THERE IS A RESENTMENT AT GROWING UP AT THE END OF AN ERA OF PLENTY COUPLED WITH REASSESSMENT OF CONVENTIONAL MEASURES OF SUCCESS WHEN ONE LEG IS SHORTER THAN THE OTHER YOU KNOW THAT THE BODY WILL WARP AND MANY PARTS WILL TWIST OUT OF ALLIGNMENT. YOU CAN HOPE THE ADJUSTMENTS WON'T BE CRIPPLING OR YOU CAN OPERATE TO MAKE THE LEGS THE SAME. IF SOMEONE IS WILD, PUNISHMENT WILL LEAVE HIM SULLEN AND WILL ONLY MAKE HIM WAIT FOR ANOTHER CHANCE. HE DOESN'T HAVE THE IDEA THAT UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR CAUSES PAIN AND MUST, AT ALL COSTS, BE AVOIDED. YOU SHOULD LIMIT THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU ACT AGAINST YOUR NATURE, LIKE SLEEPING WITH PEOPLE YOU HATE. IT'S INTERESTING TO TEST YOUR CAPABILITIES FOR A WHILE BUT TOO MUCH WILL CAUSE DAMAGE. IT'S AN EXTRAORDINARY FEELING WHEN PART OF YOUR BODY ARE TOUCHED FOR THE FIRST TIME. I'M THINKING OF THE SENSATIONS FROM SEX AND SURGERY. WHEN SOMEONE IS BREATHING ON YOU, YOU FEEL COOL AIR PULLED ACROSS YOUR SKIN FOLLOWED BY MOIST WARM AIR PUSHED IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. THIS OCCURS AT REGULAR INTERVALS AND MAKES A PERFECT TEMPERATURE. WINDOWS ARE A NICE FEATURE BUT OFFER LITTLE SECURITY. WHEN YOU STAND INSIDE AT NIGHT YOU BECOME AWARE OF YOUR HIGH VISIBILITY AND YOUR COMPLETE BLINDNESS TO WHAT'S OUTSIDE. COURTESY OF THE BASIC DECENCY OF PEOPLE, YOU'RE OFTEN LEFT IN PEACE BEHIND THE GLASS. MORE PEOPLE WILL BE BUILDING HIDING PLACES IN THEIR HOMES, SMALL REFUGES THAT ARE UNDETECTABLE EXCEPT BY THE MOST SOPHISTICATED DEVICES. AFTER DARK IT'S A RELIEF TO SEE A GIRL WALKING TOWARD OR BEHIND YOU. THEN YOU'RE MUCH LESS LIKELY TO BE ASSAULTED. YOU LEARN, THE HARD WAY, TO KEEP A FINGER ON YOUR NIPPLE WHEN SHAVING YOUR BREAST. YOUR BODY REFUSES TO OBEY WHEN YOU'RE VERY SICK. THE WORST IS WHEN YOU'RE ALERT BUT INCAPABLE OF WILLING YOURSELF ERECT. IT'S AN ODD FEELING WHEN YOU TRIGGER INSTINCTIVE BEHAVIOR, LIKE NURSING, IN SOMEONE. IT'S FUNNY TO BE IN HIS PRESENCE WHILE A DIFFERENT PART OF THE NERVOUS SYSTEM TAKES OVER AND HIS EYES GET STRANGE. BY YOUR RESPONSE TO DANGER IT IS EASY TO TELL HOW YOU HAVE LIVED AND WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO YOU. YOU SHOW WHETHER YOU WANT TO STAY ALIVE, WHETHER YOU THINK YOU DESERVE TO AND WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IT'S ANY GOOD TO ACT. EFFIGIES LET YOU STUDY OR ACT UPON SOMEONE WITH IMPUNITY. THEY ARE GOOD FOR PRACTICE. A LITTLE GIRL HAD BEEN IN A COMA FOR WEEKS BUT SMILED AND CAME OUT OF IT WHEN HER FRIENDS SANG SONGS. IT'S SCARY WHEN VEINS ARE SO CLOSE TO THE SURFACE THAT THEY'RE VISIBLE AND EVEN PROTUBERANT. ACCESS IS EASY TO THE BLOOD THAT TRANSPORTS THE NECESSARY CHEMICALS. EVEN WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED YOU CAN SEE SOMEONE APPROACHING. HIS SHADOW SHOWS ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR EYELIDS. IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE WITH WHOM YOU'RE INTIMATE AND UPON WHOM YOU DEPEND. FRIENDS WILL ONLY TOLERATE CERTAIN ACTIONS AND THIS INFLUENCES WHAT YOU BELIEVE TO BE POSSIBLE AND DESIRABLE. GIFTED CHILDREN - THOSE WITH AN IQ OF 125 OR ABOVE - ARE PRONE TO FEELING OF ALIENATION, FRUSTRATION, AND BOREDOM. THESE FEELINGS CAN CULMINATE IN VIOLENCE IF THE CHILDREN ARE NOT ENCOURAGED AND CHALLENGED. THERE IS A TERRIBLE PHASE WHEN ABUSED ANIMALS OR CHILDREN ACT POLITELY AND TRY TO DO EVERYTHING RIGHT. BY THIS STAGE, THOUGH, THEY ARE SO OBVIOUSLY WEAK AND UNAPPEALING THAT THEY GET LITTLE RESPONSE. IF THEY DON'T DIE THEY BECOME SAVAGE. IT TAKES A WHILE BEFORE YOU CAN STEP OVER THE INERT BODIES AND GO AHEAD WITH WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO. IT'S A SAFE GAME TO PLAY WITH YOUR NOSE, SHUTTING OFF THE AIR AND LETTING IT FLOW AGAIN. THEN YOU CAN ESCALATE AND SEE HOW LONG YOU CAN LAST UNTIL YOU PASS OUT, YOUR HAND RELAXES, AND YOU BREATHE NORMALLY AGAIN. IT'S EASY TO FEEL BETRAYED WHEN YOU'RE JUST WAVING YOUR ARMS AROUND AND THEY COME CRASHING DOWN ON A SHARP OBJECT. JUST ONE ROTTEN SPOT IN YOUR HEAD CAN MAKE EVERY MOVEMENT PAINFUL. YOU CAN'T ROLL YOUR EYES, BEND DOWN, OR JUMP AND LAND WITH IMPUNITY. EVEN THINKING HURTS. LITTLE QUEENIE ANY NUMBER OF ADOLESCENT GIRLS LIE FACE DOWN ON THE BED AND WORK ON ENERGY, HOUSING, LABOR, JUSTICE, EDUCATION, TRANSPORTATION, AGRICULTURE, AND BALANCE OF TRADE. THERE IS A PERIOD WHEN IT IS CLEAR THAT YOU HAVE GONE WRONG BUT YOU CONTINUE. SOMETIMES THERE IS A LUXURIOUS AMOUNT OF TIME BEFORE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS. MORE THAN ONCE I'VE AWAKENED WITH TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY CHEEKS. I HAVE HAD TO THINK WHETHER I WAS CRYING OR WHETHER IT IS INVOLUNTARY, LIKE DROOLING. THERE IS PLEASURE IN STAYING HOME TO ADJUST EACH PHYSICAL DETAIL SO THAT WHEREVER THE EYE FALLS, THERE IS HARMONY. THEN YOU GO OUTSIDE AND DO THE SAME. SOME DAYS YOU WAKE AND IMMEDIATELY START TO WORRY. NOTHING IN PARTICULAR IS WRONG, IT'S JUST THE SUSPICION THAT FORCES ARE ALIGNING QUIETLY AND THERE WILL BE TROUBLE. SOMEONE WANTS TO CUT A HOLE IN YOU AND FUCK YOU THROUGH IT, BUDDY. IF THINGS WERE A LITTLE DIFFERENT YOU WOULD DIGEST YOURSELF THROUGH A CUT IN YOUR MOUTH. IT'S A RELIEF TO KNOW THERE ARE PROVISIONS AGAINST THIS. THE FOND OLD COUPLE WAS DISAPPEARING TOGETHER THROUGH SUCCESSIVE AMPUTATIONS. SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THE VOICES OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE OUTSIDE. THE SOUNDS ARE UNNATURALLY LOW AND HOARSE AS IF THE COLD AND DAMPNESS HAVE ENTERED THE THROAT. THERE ARE PLACES THAT ARE SCARRED AND THE SKIN IS PULLED AROUND, LIKE THE NAVEL OR THE HEAD OF THE PENIS, THAT LEAVE YOU THINKING THAT THE BODY IS FRAGILE. IN A PARADISIAC CLIMATE EVERYTHING IS CLEAR AND SIMPLE WHEN YOU ARE PERFORMING BASIC ACTS NECESSARY FOR SURVIVAL. IT CAN BE HELPFUL TO THINK OF THEM EATING YOUR FAVORITE FOODS AND OCCASIONALLY THROWING UP AND GETTING BITS STUCK IN THEIR NOSES. THERE'S NO REASON TO SLEEP CURLED UP AND BENT. IT'S NOT COMFORTABLE, IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU, AND IT DOESN'T PROTECT YOU FROM DANGER. IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT AN ATTACK YOU SHOULD STAY AWAKE OR SLEEP LIGHTLY WITH LIMBS UNFURLED FOR ACTION. THERE'S THE SENSATION OF A LOT OF FLESH WHEN EVERY SINGLE HAIR STANDS UP. THIS HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE COLD AND NAKED, AROUSED, OR SIMPLY TERRIFIED. MANY DOGS RUN WILD IN THE CITY. SOME ARE ABANDONED BY THEIR OWNERS AND OTHERS ARE BORN TO LOST DOGS. STRAYS HAVE A LIMITED LIFE EXPECTANCY EVEN WHEN THEY BAND TOGETHER IN PACKS. THEY ARE PREY TO DISEASE, PARASITES, WEATHER AND AUTOMOBILES. THEY TEND TO BE FRIGHTENED AND VICIOUS. THEY ARE UNABLE TO PROTECT THEMSELVES OR ANYONE ELSE. WITH SOPHISTICATED RECORD KEEPING IT IS POSSIBLE TO PROVE THAT YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG, AND INCORRECT INFORMATION CAN BE STORED AND SPREAD. IN BOTH CASES YOU HAVE LESS OF A CHANCE TO SAY THERE WAS A MISTAKE. HOW DO YOU FIND THE RIGHT POSITION TO LIE DOWN WITH PEOPLE OR EVEN ANIMALS? OFTEN ONE OF THE PARTNERS IS SMOTHERED OR CONTORTED. WHEN DONE PROPERLY, THOUGH, EVERYONE IS HAPPY. SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO NIBBLE ON THE INSIDES OF THEIR OWN CHEEKS. IV'E SEEN AN OTHERWISE LOVELY GIRL CONTORT HER FACE TO REACH A FAVORITE SPOT. THERE ARE BIT LINES WHERE REPEATED NIPS HAVE BUILT RIDGES OF SCAR TISSUE. TUNNELING IS GOOD FOR TRANSPORTATION, CLANDESTINE MOVEMENT, AND THE DUAL PROSPECT OF SAFETY AND SUFFOCATION. USUALLY YOU COME AWAY WITH STUFF ON YOU WHEN YOU'VE BEEN IN THEIR THOUGHTS OR BODIES. WHAT A SHOCK WHEN THEY TELL YOU IT WON'T HURT AND YOU ALMOST TURN INSIDE OUT WHEN THEY BEGIN. WHEN YOU'VE BEEN SOMEPLACE FOR A WHILE YOU ACQUIRE THE ABILITY TO BE PRACTICALLY INVISIBLE. THIS LETS YOU OPERATE WITH A MINIMUM OF INTERFERENCE. WITH BLEEDING INSIDE THE HEAD THERE IS A METALLIC TASTE AT THE BACK OF THE THROAT. IF YOU WERE A GOOD CHILD WITH FAIR PARENTS, YOU WOULD FREEZE IN YOUR TRACKS, GO LIMP, AND TAKE A DESERVED BEATING. A HOLDOVER FROM THIS MIGHT HAVE YOU SUBMIT TO REAL DANGER, BELIEVING THAT SOMEONE IS APPORTIONING JUST PUNISHMENT AND THINKING THEY WILL STOP SHORT OF KILLING YOU. WITHOUT WARNING YOUNG ADULTS CAN HEMORRHAGE AND DIE. ANEURYSMS--WEAK BALLOON-LIKE SECTIONS OF ARTERIES--ARE THE CAUSE. IF THE BALLOON BREAKS, UNCONTROLLABLE BLEEDING OCCURS. A PARTICULARLY DANGEROUS ANEURYSM IS FOUND IN THE HEAD. YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF ENTER SOMEWHERE FRIGHTENING IF YOU BELIEVE YOU'LL PROFIT FROM IT. THE NATURAL RESPONCE IS TO FLEE BUT YOU DON'T ACT THAT WAY ANYMORE. EXERCISE BREAKS AT STRATEGIC POINTS DURING THE DAY ENHANCE PRODUCTIVITY AND PROVIDE SIMULTANEOUS SENSATIONS OF RELIEF AND REJUVENATION. YOU CAN WASH YOUR FACE UNTIL THE SKIN PULLS AND ITS PRESSURE ON YOUR FACE IS A CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU ARE ALIVE. THIS IS A MILDER PRACTICE THAN SMASHING YOUR HEAD AND CAN BE HELPFUL IN THAT IT KEEPS YOU SENSITIVE. IF YOU WISH TO LIVE ANONYMOUSLY, SUCCESS IS CONTINGENT ON FORGOING THE MANY BENEFITS ATTACHED TO IDENTIFICATION, AND YOU MUST NEVER BE SCRUTINIZED OR CAPTURED. PEOPLE LIKE TO BREED ANIMALS. DEVELOPING AND THEN REPLICATIONG NEW TRAITS IS VERY PLEASING. THE FEAR AND THE ATTRACTION IS THAT THE PROCESS IS UNCONTROLLABLE.