Twenty Minute Meeting
A One Act Play
Alan Kaylor Cline
The Players:
Cline: a director of a university honors program
Student: a member of the program
Scene: Cline's office
Cline: (shouts to door) Next!
Student enters.
Cline: Please sit down. Thank you for coming in.
Student sits. Telephone rings. Cline picks up receiver.
Cline: (to Student) Excuse me. (Into telephone) Good morning, Dean's Scholars Program. "Studying science need not hurt your feelings." Yes, Dr. Huber. Thank you so much for speaking on Foot and Mouth disease. You're right: "vegetarian" and "veterinarian do sound very similar. You're going to send me a pamphlet? "Irritations of the Utters." I agree. That's sounds fascinating. Thank you so much. Good Bye.
Cline sets down telephone receiver but telephone immediately rings. Cline picks up receiver.
Cline: (to Student) Excuse me again. (Into telephone) Good morning, Dean's Scholars Program. "Studying science need not hurt your feelings." You say you applied for the program but you feel your application doesn't show enough of your personality? You'd like to tell me a joke? All right, go ahead. "Three men." "A boat." "First one says ." "Second one says ." Well, no, I can't guess what the third one says. You've forgotten? Something about an elephant? Well, thank you very much. That was like a joke. Good Bye.
Cline sets down telephone receiver but telephone immediately rings. Cline picks up receiver.
Cline: (to Student) Sorry, sorry. (Into telephone) Good morning, Dean's Scholars Program. "Studying science need not hurt your feelings."
Cline straightens in his chair and appears worried.
Cline: (Into telephone) Yes, I understand. You are Trooper Armstrong with the Texas State Police. "A serious crime," you say. "Mooning from a Public Ferry." No, that name doesn't ring any bells. I'm sorry that I cannot help you. Good Bye.
Cline disconnects and quickly dials
Cline: (Into telephone) BE - 2 - HELL. (waits for answer) Dean's Scholars Office? Somebody go find Clare right away and get her out of the state.
Cline sets down telephone receiver but telephone immediately rings. Cline tries to regain composure and picks up receiver.
Cline: (to Student) Sorry, again. (Into telephone) Good morning, Dean's Scholars Program. "Studying science need not hurt your feelings." You say you're interested in applying to the program? It's a bit late. Could you tell me a something about yourself? Yes, you won the class spelling bee. Class rank of 150 out of 200? Yes, you could describe that as "top 75%" - it does sound better that way. You know, I'm not sure this is quite the right program for you, but there are other honors programs at the university. Hold on, and I'll transfer you to something perfect for you.
Cline hits a button on the telephone
Cline: (Into telephone) Operator? Would you please transfer this call to Plan II? Thank you.
Cline sets down telephone receiver but telephone immediately rings.
Cline: (to Student) Sorry, this keeps happening. (Into telephone) Good morning, Dean's Scholars Program. "Studying science need not hurt your feelings." You're looking for an honors program that requires nothing but guarantees admission to medical school? You know I don't think this is the program for you but I want to tell you how much I admire your candor. Good Bye.
Cline sets down telephone receiver but telephone immediately rings.
Cline: (to Student) Sorry, again. (Into telephone) Good morning, Dean's Scholars Program. "Studying science need not hurt your feelings." So you're thinking about applying to the program? ... Lots of science-related activities, you say. You were elected Miss Muleshoe County? Baton twirling? Yes, I guess there's some physics in that. You have lots of pep? and you won the Swim Suit Competition? Do I know what that is? I suppose if memory serves. A campus tour? Yes, I think we can find someone to show you around. Do you have a pencil and paper? The name is Z-I-N-N, first name "Brandon". When will he be calling you? Maybe in about - oh - ten seconds. Good Bye.
Cline sets down telephone receiver but telephone immediately rings.
Cline: (to Student) Sorry, one more time. (Into telephone) Good morning, Dean's Scholars Program. "Studying science need not hurt your feelings." You'd like to know the acceptance status for your daughter, Billy Jean Zamzow? Well, we have a rule about privacy and we only announce those decisions to the applicants. Please ask her to call and I'll be happy to discuss it with her. (firmly) No, Mr. Zamzow. We really don't make any exceptions. Yes, I'm serious. Please just ask her to call. Good Bye.
Cline sets down telephone receiver but telephone immediately rings.
Cline: (to Student) Wow. (Into telephone) Good morning, Dean's Scholars Program. "Studying science need not hurt your feelings." You're Billy Jean Zamzow and you want to know your acceptance status? You know it's uncanny how much your voice sounds like your father's?
Cline picks up file folder and opens it.
Cline: (Into telephone) Now Billy Jean, can we discuss this office you held in, ah, "Students Concerned about Trees and Stuff"? What office did you hold, anyway? Hello - are you still there? (exasperated) Mr. Zamzow, you should be ashamed. Dont do this.
Cline sets down telephone receiver and shakes head but telephone immediately rings.
Cline: (Into telephone, dejectedly) Good morning, Dean's Scholars Program. "Scientists have feelings, too."
Cline's eyes get huge and face reddens.
Cline: (Into telephone, shouts) No!
Cline slams down telephone receiver but telephone immediately rings.
Cline: (Into telephone, wiped out) Good morning, Dean's Scholars Program. "Science, Feelings, something." You're Mrs. Burfoot and Barry told you he was accepted for the program? How may I help you? You are concerned about sex on the campus? Well, I think with many of the students, it's primarily hypothetical. Not what you heard? You are concerned about "very experienced girls" and what if Barry were to meet one of those - (astonished) did you say "soiled doves"? Pardon me, I didn't to make light of this. Well, I guess in that case he just might get lucky.
Cline quickly pulls telephone away from ear as if in response to scream. He gently sets the receiver down.
Cline: (in direction of telephone) It looks like it's A&M for Barry. (to Student) Well, that seems to be twenty minutes. Thanks for coming in. (shouts to door) Next!