I apologize for the mess, there are a lot of random quotes, unattributed quotes, and repetitions, I will try to sort them as soon as possible. Let me know if you think I have something wrong here.

Funny:

• "Scars are like tattoos with better stories." - ?
• "A good friend will bail you out of jail, but your best friend will be the one sitting next to you saying, "That was freakin awesome!" - ?
• 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
• Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
• I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• "Fire at will? Who's Will?"
• "You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." - Yogi Berra
• "When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." - Mae West
• "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" - Abraham Lincoln
• "The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
• " Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience." - ?
• "I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs." - Samuel Goldwyn
• "Crime does not pay... as well as politics." - Alfred E. Newman
• "Anyalyzing humour is like dissecting a frog: nobody enjoys it, and the frog usually dies as a result." -?
• "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show .
• "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman.
• "The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run." - John Barrymore
• "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." - George Carlin
• "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
• "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." - George Carlin
• "Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch." - George Carlin
  
  

Homer Simpson

• "Oh my God, space aliens!! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids!! Eat them!!" -Homer Simpson.
• "I say kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out." -Uncle Simpson, The Simpsons.
• Trying is the first step towards failure." -Homer Simpson, The Simpsons.
• "Son, if something is hard to do, then it's not worth doing." -Homer Simpson, The Simpsons.
• "You can't spell dishonourable without honourable." -Homer Simpson.
  

Science

• It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.- Mark Twain
• "Imagination is more important than knowledge." -Albert Einstein.
• "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas Edison.
• "The difference between genius and stupidity is the genius has its limits." -Albert Einstein.
• "Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research." -Wilson Mizner.
• "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." -Albert Einstein.
• "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -Albert Einstein.
• "In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut
• "I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have." - Thomas Jefferson
• "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems" - Paul Erdos
• "Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." - Antoine de Saint Exupery
• "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity." - Albert Einstein
• "We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough? " - Niels Bohr
• "When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong " - Buckminster Fuller
• "In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite." - Paul Dirac
• "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. " - Albert Einstein
• "A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation" - H. H. Munro (Saki)
• "Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler" - Albert Einstein
• "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
• "Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
• "The best way to predict the future is to invent it." - Alan Kay
• "Never mistake motion for action." - Ernest Hemingway
• "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ..." -- Isaac Asimov
• " Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important." - Lisa Hoffman
• "When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years." - Mark Twain
• "There are lies, damned lies and statistics." - Mark Twain.
• "I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison." - WC Fields.
• "Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones." - Mike Barfield.
• "The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." -Albert Einstein.
• "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." - George Gobol.
• "Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female." - Desmond Morris.
• "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." - Oscar Wilde
• "I don't know how the third world war will be fought, but I do know that the fourth one will be fought with sticks and stones..." - Albert Einstein.
  

Computer Science

• "The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense." - Edsgar Dijkstra
• "C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg" - Bjarne Stroustrup
• "Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin." - John von Neumann
• "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson
• "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson
• "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates
• "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." Professor on Fred Smith's paper
• There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no
  longer know how to use my telephone." - Stroustrup
• "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso.
• "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook.
• "To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer." - Paul Ehrlich.
• "Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers." - Leonard Brandwein.
• "UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity." - Dennis Ritchie.
  
  

Sarcasm

• Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much.-  Peter Ustinov
• "It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one' doubts." - G. B. Burgin
• "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. " - Carl Sagan
• "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It' the transition that' troublesome." - Isaac Asimov
• "There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life" - Frank Zappa
• "Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working." - Albert Giacometti
• "Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'." - Friedrich Nietzsche
• "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws " - Plato
• "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies." - Holly.
• "Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad TV." - Woody Allen.
• "A crowded elevator smells different to a midget." - ?
• "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convince the world he didn't exist....." - ?
• "Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to put the bodies." - ?
• "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do." - ?
• "Who's really insane? The one who acts differently or the rest, who act like each other?"
• "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." -General George Patton.
• "We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction." -General Douglas MacArthur.
• "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." -Napoleon Bonaparte.
• "Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake" - Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower
• "His ignorance is encyclopedic" - Abba Eban
• "I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better" - A. J. Liebling
• "People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid." - Soren Aabye Kierkegaard
• "My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates
• "When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite." - Sir Winston Churchill
• "A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines." - Frank Lloyd Wright
• "It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid." - George Bernard Shaw
• "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names" - John F. Kennedy
• "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. " - Moses Hadas
• "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it" -Groucho Marx
• "It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating." - Oscar Wilde
• "When ideas fail, words come in very handy." - Goethe
• "If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." - Aristotle Onassis
• "The covers of this book are too far apart." - Ambrose Bierce
• "Few things are harder to put up with than a good example." - Mark Twain
• "Happiness is good health and a bad memory" - Ingrid Bergman
• "You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." - Al Capone
• "Well done is better than well said." - Benjamin Franklin
• "He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death." - ?
• "A bird in the hand will probably shit on your wrist." - ?
• "The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations." - David Friedman
• "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin
• "Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve." - George Bernard Shaw
• "I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." - Ashleigh Brilliant
• "Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain
• "A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of." - Burt Bacharach
• "When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." - Eric Hoffer
• "Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." - Jonathan Swift
• "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
• "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." - Bob Hope
• "All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others." - George Orwell, Animal Farm
• "It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." - Darrin Weinberg
• "Don't think of it as being outnumbered, think of it as a wide target selection." - ?
• "I'm sorry, you seem to have mistaken me for someone who cares." - ?
• "I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it" - Groucho Marx
• "You don't have to agree with me, but its quicker." - ?
• "You spend your whole life believing that you're on the right track,only to discover that you're on the wrong train." - ?
• "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." - Groucho Marx
• "People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy - and I keep it in a jar on my desk " -Stephen King
• "A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice" -Bill Cosby
• "Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you." - Fran Lebowitz
• "I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. " - Groucho Marx
• "We didn' lose the game; we just ran out of time." - Vince Lombardi
• "Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down" - Jimmy Durante
  
  

Others

• "Don't let it end like this, tell them I said something." - Pancho Villa's last words.
• "I do not fear an army of lions, if they are led by a lamb. I do fear an army of sheep, if they are led by a lion." - Alexander the Great.
• "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." -Ozzy Osborne.
• "The trick is, to treat your days as if each one may be your last." -Peter Meinke, Advice to son (poem).
• "Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. " - Jimi Hendrix
• "I have often regretted my speech, never my silence" - Xenocrates
• "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal " - Henry Ford
• "Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it" - David Henry Thoreau
• "Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater." - Gail Godwin
• "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." - Mark Twain
• "A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted." - Helen Rowland
• "Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done." - Carl Friedrich Gauss to his dying wife
• "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink". -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill, "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it"-- His reply
• Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" - Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."
• "Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened." - ?
• "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." - Alfred, Lord Tennyson
• "Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." - George Burns
• "Always be smarter than the people that hire you. " - Lena Horne
• " A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man." -Lana Turner
• "A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person." - Dave Barry
• "My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside." - Roseanne
   
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TO SORT

Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science.
- Gary Zukav
Books to the ceiling,/ Books to the sky,/ My pile of books is a mile high./ How I love them! How I need them!/ I'll have a long beard by the time I read them.
- Arnold Lobel
All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance.
The deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy.
- Alfred North Whitehead