This past week has been quite a busy season for me. After returning from MHacks the weekend before where I lived off of only 4 hours of sleep a day and got to hang out/hack with a few of my friends that I knew in Michigan, I found myself thrown back into the hay of things here at UT. Finishing up Graphics project #1 was a struggle and having to spend most of the days cycling through work, school, and church stuff, I found myself with very little room to breath or time to really rest.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love to be busy - to do stuff that will allow me to learn. Setting up a database on AWS, reading up on the latest tech news from HackerNewsLetter, finishing up a team management platform for HackTX, or going to many entrepreneurial meetings in order to give and receive feedback on ideas - all these things are activities I enjoy experiencing.
But it can get rough sometimes. In the middle of a time when purpose and reason may seem clear, I suddenly can feel lost. In those seasons, a weird feeling of unsatisfaction/loneliness takes root and spreads throughout my mind. Everything I was dead-set on to doing instantaneously seems dull - there is uncertainty over why I do the things I do.
And it confuses me. Here I am, doing things that I love and enjoy, such as learning, meeting new people, and programming. I created a vision, that I hope to live out, and I am actively trying to live it out. But whenever a rough patch happens, I feel almost distant from everyone. I no longer can put a word to what I do and what I experience. At times, it feels like I'm clawing at the space around me, trying to find something to grab onto - to cling on.
As a computer scientist, an aspiring entrepreneur, and someone who wants to live out my faith, I've realized that these things happen periodically, not because I don't know what I want to do, but because of the effect of repetition and easily losing focus on the intention. In a sense, my foundation in life is not truly set. I have not built up all the parts to the whole in which I can stand upon to grow fully.
In those moments, it's very dangerous, and I need to remind myself that the thing that I need to cling on to is not the wishy-washy waves of how I feel and flail around of desperation. Nor should I hold in the storms of thoughts that batter and bash within my mind.
Rather, what I need to do is turn towards the community that I am wanting to grow and invest into, and seek out assistance - to find people I trust and ask for help. Someone with an ear to listen. People who know me. Who understand a bit of what I'm wanting to do in life. And if they're a great friend/mentor/person, they will listen intently, and if need be, speak truth into my life, reminding me why I do the things I do.
Ultimately, not judging me for being busy, nor giving false hope or empty encouragements, nor saying the problems I face are small or meaningless. Who can really understand how someone's mind works, or what it is they're actually struggling through? But bringing in a 3rd party perspective that will take me away from my current circumstances and point me to look at the bigger picture. To what my vision and hope should be. That is already enough. A blessing.
Because in the end, other than being producers and consumers of something, we are signs in life that point each other in different directions. And the hope is that as each day passes, we are pointing others in the right direction as we reorient ourselves to the correct path in life.
Sorry I got a bit deep in this week's blog post guys. O.O The point of this was to give a relatable story and encouraging advice to anyone who needed it.
As you all know mid-terms is starting this week (if not already going on) and I know things can be hard. But know you aren't alone! We're all in this together. So I wish you all luck in mid-terms, whether it's your 1st or 100th exam. Do your best, and I know you'll be great. :)